A New Addition To The Dead Letter Room (11/15/2011)

I’ve always thought I was invincible. I’ve always claimed to myself that if there was a  predetermined center of the universe, then it would be centered around me because I was the only one that mattered and I was the one in complete control of what happens in this universe …and then I met you.

Before you, I was a nobody. I didn’t know apples from oranges. I lived life one beer at a time, one smashed cigarette, and a one-way thought pattern at a time. Before you, I didn’t know the meaning of what it was like to live. Before you I was dead. Dead as ashes in a lonely hearth. I didn’t know if tomorrow was going to bring a sun rise or cloud-filled rain and frankly I didn’t give a shit. Because I wasn’t living. Do you think dead people care about the rain or sunshine? Flowers or grass? I could tell you first hand they don’t…but then I met you.

Damaged, I was beyond repair. When broken is easily fixed, then breath restored life. There are demons living among me. I remember them from long before. They used to haunt me…taunt me…speak blasphemy and punishments to me…before I met you and your loving shield. You helped me crawl further away from those demons. You beat them away and protected me with love that used to be undying and exclusive. When those demons used to run away off into that void of a head of mine…you would look down and smile at me. And everything was OK. My heart bloomed. It was a new feeling. A new scary one. But solidarity was born. Your smile. Your warmth. The scent of ocean air and moisture kissed wind. The sun and its healing rays. This is what you brought to me. But everything I touch falls to absolute pieces.

You have no idea how deeply sorry I am for treating this shared world of ours with disdain. I fucking hate everything I do. And did. If I could take all your pain, my daughter’s pain and mine and just leap off the edge of the earth…I’d do it in a single solitary moment…if it meant making you happy. I’d take everything away that troubled you and I’ banish it to the depths of non-existence. If I could relive yesterday…even one hour ago…I would do it. If your love was even the smallest bit salvageable and could be mine, I’d slit the throat of this insidious walking corpse and bury myself into the earth so that your may come with your watering can and grow our new existence. This is what scores itself into my brain every time I’m with you…every time I die.

Life after you is far from a life. Your embrace had the power to cripple me into a submission. Those eyes held an ocean. One that beckoned and soothed. It was (and still is) something that can easily slay me. There are tears around every memory. Tears of happiness and sadness. Although our sad tears blanket the world, it was our tears of happiness that lay claim to more power. Every home visit, every park visit, San Francisco, Silverlake & the Ganders, weekend visits to the mountains, Tahoe, the pier, the beach…I could be here forever trying to relinquish these memories but every time I do I can’t help but shed tears.

I still wear my ring because it reminds me of you. I look at it and I see all the above memories playing in each diamond. You were my life. So in actuality I’ve only been alive 8 years. I took you for granted. The single most irreversible mistake. When you hugged me, I didn’t hug back. Now…if you hugged me I wouldn’t let you go…your heartbeat would be too much for me to resist. When you kissed me, frankly my dear I didn’t give a damn. Now, I’d kiss you more passionately than our first true love’s kiss.

I know what I put you through was bullshit. It was juvenile and unreasonable. I was out of my head looking down as an omniscient being and knew that the situation was downright terrible. I know I wrote the death certificate to our 8 years. That’s something will never forgive myself for no matter how hard I try.

And the saying is true…once something is gone the devastation is elevated. Which is why I’m in this state of calamity.

Everyday I’m haunted by our relationship and I’m slowly trying to accept what I did. But that doesn’t come easy. I cry for us everyday. You will always have my heart. And I will always love you. I will always have the space you rightfully deserve with me. Regardless of the situation.

I use to look at you (secretly still do) and picture you as an old woman, beautiful and elegant with a touch of fabulous. You still stun me with your laugh. You’d probably send me to my grave with one at 80. I love you but words could never express that emotion correctly. Then again I never felt like I did successfully either. I love you and I no longer feel like I’m invincible. I love you…you make my heart heavy. I love you…your light burns bright and into my memories. Just one more embrace and then I’ll scatter into the air to float away into infinity.

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One comment

  1. My goodness… I cried when I read this. I can totally relate, all though, I was on the receiving end of the death. I love you so much and I promise to do right by you any way I can. -M

    Like

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