The Darkness Of My Own Fear

I want to breathe again,

but my body seems to have forgotten the simple functions of inhalation/exhalation.

Respiration and respite not of the same marrow.

If a definition were to occur to categorize my pain,

it would have to include a mass genocide of all the world’s hopeful.

Burning and flailing about in a catatonic death.

Each sear on the flesh a tear quenched,

to the darkness of my own fear.

What happened to those days where waking up meant living,

and not dredging through the scattered remains of my own personal demise?

I just want to fall into a shadow unknown to me.

To inter myself within the coldness of its void.

Dig myself into the odious soil and supplant my dreams-desires alongside me.

To scatter the putrescent remains of the Japanese golden-rayed lilies to scent my smoldering corpse.

The most beautiful of lies.

The most hideous of distrust.

A love spawned of intelligent design.

A love absconding into the bowels of this very soil that now encase my tepid memories.

It’s so cold.

The only heat source is the breath emitted from the “I-told-you-so” brigade.

Inane and without empathy to coat my ever-fleeting apathy.

I can only hold this funeral pyre above me so long before I’m swallowed into the conflagration.

I hope that I can make myself known again.

Not to the world; fuck them.

But to the screams inside my head.

A dire need for oppressing the unfolded sin.

Everything happens for a reason?

I beg of you to PLEASE give me the most angelic and life-defining reason for this distrust.

Where my emotions were trampled and cannibalized by your desire to unveil your flesh.

And for what?

For seconds of admiration?

Thrown away for a lifetime of devotion.

Was that something you yearned to lose?

A fragile existence already marred by decades of a martinet hell-bent on procuring my crumbling effigy.

It’s hard to comprehend that all this time…

I was romancing a stranger.

What’s broken is not easily fixed.

So dig yourself into this decrepit earth with me.

So that we may begin a new.

And I can show you what its like.

To drink this sorrow into oblivion.


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