It’s scary to be alive.
In the most sincere sense; being alive is a commanding struggle. A struggle of days, hours, minutes, seconds…etc. With that complexity comes a mixed bag of the unknown. We want to know. We seek answers, try in vain to fulfill our desires (no matter how inane or asinine), attempt to live among each other in perpetual harmony. And even the slightest of interactions with other humans can be astronomical; albeit invitingly organic.
A wink from a passing stranger, the humane attempts at holding a door open for a trailing patron, passionate lovemaking with long time partners or new amorous interests. These all can be fulfilling and yet esoteric to even the most “in-touch” (I’ll let the reader define such a person) individual.
As I was driving from work today heading west on the 80 towards home, I noticed the gridlock was a tad lighter than usual but still stop and go. While the lanes begin merging with each other little by little, I felt a twinge of what felt like despair and anticipation colliding about in a frenzied embrace. Silenced filled the inside of my car. With this new found feeling I decided to straighten myself, stretch a little, and get ready to leave the mess of vehicles behind. As I settled in (the feeling still imminent) I began looking left and right out of near instinct. That’s when I saw her through slightly tinted windows.
She had long, dark brown hair, and wore bright red lipstick. Aviator sunglasses clung down so her eyes pierced over the top. She looked at me, seemed to shake herself out of a stupor, smiled wryly and then lightly waved. Her black car then began preceding past mine as her lane began to move. I didn’t respond. My sunglasses hid my apprehension. I ignored her. It was such an alien gesture. An innate, harmless, simply organic human interaction registered to me as alien.
I turned on my phone to play music to break the monotony of the silence that hungrily pierced my ears. I hit shuffle first and then play with no anticipation as to what would play through the car speakers. This song came on first:
If you’ve been luck enough to know me, you’d know that I have an almost absurd love affair with the band Reign of Kindo. And this song is no joke. Any time this song comes on I can’t hold back. Its me. Every word, syllable, note. It defines the very essence encased within me.
I couldn’t take it. Yes. I cried. I pulled over to the far right of the busy freeway and let go. It was an intense, guttural reaction. There was nothing that was going to get me to move until the song was over. It was here that I realized something.
We as humans can (and tend to) hold so much of our life’s weight inside of us. We bury it and stockpile it within the deepest of dark channels in our brains. We think we are stronger and more durable than we are…emotionally speaking. It can’t work that way. But we continue to rely on those offshoot areas in our brain where we store the overflow. The pain accumulates and becomes unbearable. It can’t last forever in those areas and it has to go somewhere.
So what did the girl on the busy highway have to do with anything? And why so descriptive? Was there pretense to any of the imagery? The only thing I can think of is this other courteous human who happened to briefly cross paths with me brought me out of the depths and into the moment. And because of that, the silence became piercing. It was too much.
Page after page I keep writing these words
Tryin’ to sum up my life to a tune
There’s no rhyme for my reason and no such demand
For my mind was made up rather soon
We all wish things can be better. There is always going to be times where a fresh start is yearned for. This life we live is but a mere fragment of humanity. Hopes are that we can transcend our own quandaries and aspire to be the kings and queens we read and dreamt about as children. We want the right (another reader defined endeavor) people with us for the journey. Sometimes it works out flawlessly and life is but a never-ending adventure. But most of the times it is an exhaustive endeavor filled with “what ifs”, “I wishes”, and “If onlys”.:
But it won’t be long before
I grow lonely, lonely
Long before I grow lonely again
I’ll be singin’ this song
To remind me about you
Singin’ this song so I never forget
I’m not sure what I’m trying to accomplish here. The walls I’ve built around me have slowly been broken down by so very few people in and out of my life. It takes an insane amount of trust for me to allow you anywhere near. And with that trust comes a bookmark. For there’s much to garner.
It’s hard for me to genuinely interact with other people. I truly am “God’s Lonely Man“. And its something I’ve always yearned to be. I only want to be alone. Its easier to keep emotional balance that way. But I find myself occasionally peeking across the other side of the tracks. Maybe its time to fully immerse myself. Step outside of the detriment, disengage from the one man parade, and imbue myself within the confines of this thing we call life. But in reality…
It seems all that I love has been left far behind…